The populace of the County of Wefsex seem
to be singularly afflicted with bizarre domestic Crises. The
following Examples are not atypical:
Christminster
Dear Madame,
I am at the end of my tether. After a bad marriage and abandoning
my hopes of academic life, I obtained a divorce and am now living
with my cousin Sue, also divorced. However, our children are causing
us severe anxiety. My eldest son (by my ex-wife) is extremely moody
and keeps threatening to do away with the younger two so we can find
better lodgings. Sue is deeply afflicted by guilt over our
relationship. I am becoming consumptive, and I still haven't got a
degree. Please help.
In desperation,
JUDE FAWLEY
Hey, Jude!
Pull yrself together, sir, & contact
the Social Work Department as soon as pofsible! Yr problem Child will
probably be taken into Care. Meanwhile, check his Sweetmeats for 'E'
numbers & ensure that he watches no Magick Lantern Nasties.
As for yr Studies: there is probably an
Adult/Continuing Education Programme on which you could enrol
(reduced fees for the Unemployed). These are now accredited - i.e.,
if you do written work for six courses, you get a University
Foundation Award. Of course, if you do have Consumption, it is
possible you may not live to complete all 60 credits, but you should
still be able to acquire some 10-credit Certificates & get a
small glow of academic Achievement for those. Sue will be able to
hang them on the Wall to remember you. Alternatively, should yr
Health prove not so gravely impair'd, you may yet attempt one of the
new-fangl'd Correspondence Courses of the Open
University.
I would also counsel that you seek help
about yr Drinking: uneven handwriting is one thing, but, having but
the sight of one Eye left to me due to the Small-pox, I find reading
through Whisky stains a strain. It is also a shameful waste of
Liquor.
The Herons,
Sandbourne
__ May, 1890
Dear Madame,
My adored husband, Angel, on learning that I was not pure (having
been seduced and borne a son - since dead - some years ago),
abandoned me on our honeymoon: while sleep-walking, he said I was
dead and put me in a tomb; then he ran off to Brazil, after
unsuccessfully propositioning one of my best friends.
Financial hardship then drove me to sacrifice my honour again to
Alec, my original seducer, who has been keeping me although it was I
who had walked out on him without telling him I was with child. He
was upset when I told him there had been a child, which had died, and
said I should have told him and sought his help - but why should I?
It was none of his business. He gave my widowed mother and younger
brothers and sisters a cottage when my father's death left them
homeless. He would have married me had I still been single: indeed,
he had been carrying a marriage-licence in his pocket and tore it up
in front of me when I told him the truth. But I do not love him as I
love Angel. Indeed, I have hit him a couple of times before now. He
just accepts it, too, and still insists on providing for me
and my family and buying me expensive clothes. I can't understand
why, when he knows how much I despise him.
My Wedding Photograph:
You can see how deliriously ecstatic and happy were my dear
Angel & I
This is Alec
I HATE HIM I HATE HIM
Now my beloved Angel has returned from Brazil, repentant and
broken in health. I feel I have betrayed him, and hate myself for
returning to Alec! On the breakfast tray there is a carving knife,
which I am tempted to use on Alec, who is saying that my husband is a
"worthless canting hypocrite", "spineless bastard", & c & c.,
and that I'd be mad to return to him. Please advise before I do
something extremely violent!
THERESA CLARE, née Durbeyfield or D'Urberville
Dear Theresa,
Put down the Knife & order a tisane of
Evening Primrose; you have a bad case of PMS. Now let us review yr
Situation with the faculty of Reason:
You are still besotted with a Man - nay, a
Poltroon - who fled to Brazil just because you were not a Virgin,
& who has now crawl'd back snivelling to apologise?
Is it not he you should think of
killing - preferably slowly & most horribly? That Gothick
foolishnefs with the Coffin is suggestive of a distemper'd &
perverted Mind, & I have Misapprehensions about any man called
Angel - is he a Molly at heart?
So, Alec seduc'd you to begin with, but, as
you observe, he has been on hand when you have needed help since -
more than yr Husband has. Has it ever crofsed yr infatuated mind that
he actually loves you? If you would care to look at things
from a less Angelic perspective, you would surely perceive
that it is you who have been using him with infamous
Cruelty. Count your Blessings on having found a wealthy &
generous-hearted young Man who seems remarkably tolerant of yr
Deludednefs & self-Pity. He can also probably afford a good
Lawyer for you, too, whether you decide upon Divorce or more direct
means to deal with yr whinging apology for a Husband...
Do not let the fact that yr vile Husband
now resembles something the Cat dragg'd in sway you - he may be
pox'd; who knows what Vices he has been indulging in the Stews of
Curitiba? Co-counsellor Dr. Flitcraft recommends you read
Women Who Love Too
Much, & I enclose the card of a
Colonial lady who may be able to offer further afsistance - a
Mistrefs Bobbit...
