To-day I receiv'd two interesting letters
from the North of England. The first is from a youth of doubtful
character, the second from a young lady of some culture and
I av a problem. My best frend Cathy dont luv me no mor, and is
goin to marry a bloke called Edgar who wears fancy soots and as gud
manners and washes is face like a gerl. I dunt no wot to do cos I av
no othir frends, and woz like a bruthir to er. I just wonts to kill
things like lapwings and puppys, wot cant defend themselfs. In fact,
I think I shal run away from ome. I cud go bak to Liverpule, but
Mister Urnshaw once sed I woz an illegal imigrunt, so I dunt no if
Get a Life! It is not healthy to go through
life with only one Friend, especially if she has been as a Sister to
you. Meet people! Join yr local Youth Club - Halifax would probably
be nearest - or go to Coffee houses, Afsemblies, & c. You might
also improve yr Image by washing (not only girls wash, you
know) and dressing smartly. As for good Manners - they are the mark
of a Gentleman, and are to be emulated, not scorn'd & despis'd.
You really should lose no time in Self-Improvement, since the
Immigration Authorities are lefs likely to pay you unwelcome
Attentions if you appear respectable and gainfully employ'd. Leave
the Wildlife alone; you may find the RSPB & RSPCA are lefs
sympathetic to yr habit of working out yr frustrations upon harmlefs
furr'd & feather'd Creatures.
Alternatively, if you are as devious-minded
as I believe, you could embark upon a profitable Career in order to
make yrself a Man of Means. For a young Man of yr violent
propensities, the King's Highway would surely furnish ample
Opportunities for advancing yrself, altho', if you read my previous
Epistle to Mifs Befs, you will realise that it is a Career likely to
be of short Duration, probably ending with a bout of the Hempen Fever
or Lead-poisoning of the solid sort. Enrich'd, however, you could
then pursue any means of Vengeance as whetted yr profoundly sadistic
quasi-incestuous Appetites. However, I would not recommend
But whichever path you take, I cannot
recommend too strongly that you attend Literacy Clafses: even as a
master Criminal you may need to correspond with a Lawyer.
Dear Mme. de Merteuil,
I am an orphan, with no protector or adviser. Until recently, I
was employed as governefs to the bastard daughter of Edward
Rochester, Esq.. As is not uncommon in such situations, an affection
arose between my employer and myself, which resulted in a proposal of
marriage. Imagine my horror, then, when it was revealed upon our
wedding day that Mr. Rochester has a lunatic Jamaican Creole wife,
both intemperate and unchaste, confined to the attic. Despite Mr.
Rochester's entreaties to remain with him as his mistrefs, I have
fled, and am now sheltering with my cousins. In this situation, I
have received yet another proposal, from Cousin St.John, to accompany
him as a mifsionary to India. The trouble is, I still love Mr.
Rochester. Please be so good as to advise me what to do.
First of all, I think we can write off
Cousin St.John. What sort of Rogue invites a Lady to join him in a
mifsionary position in India? Give him a copy of the
Sutra as a farewell Gift, & he
may think of some more Interesting ones.
As to Mr. Rochester: you have had a lucky
escape. He is a finish'd Master of Duplicity to make my late lamented
Friend, M. le Vicomte de Valmont, of blessed Memory, appear a very
pillar of Honesty & Integrity. First of all, he attempts to trick
you into Bigamy; failing in this, he wishes to install you as his
Mistrefs, although you are a Lady of steely Vertue.
Consider the fate of his first Wife - the
unfortunate rum-soak'd Erotomaniac. What has he done to this poor
Lady to drive her to such mental Distraction? Do not be fobbed off
with specious talk of 'bad Blood' & 'tropical Climates': have you
check'd whether she is, in fact, drugged rather than mad? Do
not trust this Man! At the very least, you would be better devoting
yr formidable moral Earnestnefs to establishing a comfortable &
progrefsive Asylum for the Lady, instead of leaving her to her
Husband's idea of 'Care in the Community'.
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